But it also means I have direct competition. Somebody want to off these guys? They’re pretty damn good, and we can’t have that.

We Are the Tide (Live at Doug Fir)

Story I Heard (Live in Studio 4A)

One Red Thread (Live on Carson Daly)

She hits that first “Jackson, Jesse.” at 1:53. It is…perfect. I’ve watched the same eight seconds of this video twenty times already. I see shit like this and I’m ready to retire from music forever. She sets that emotional bar so impossibly fucking high I almost hate her for it but instead I love her for it.

Lock me in a closet with Annie Clark and Chan Marshall. Please. There will be babies flying everywhere. Huge ones. Huge babies come flying out of the closet from our epic lovemaking. No pregnancy. Just instant baby.

I am only the picture of fear and insecurity as I continue my ceaseless journey into the wilderness that is the music industry.

My latest anti-hero? The Tallest Man on Earth (aka Kristian Matsson). He is younger, better-looking, sings as well or better, and plays the guitar a thousand times better than I. He already toured with Bon Iver. He’s only been on the scene a few years and people are already dropping Dylan Quarters around him.  Look at this gushing post on him on The Tripwire. How will I ever compete with this guy? (Although, ironically, I’m probably taller than him.)

I don’t know what I’m doing and nobody has ever heard of me. I’m not sure my music’s any good. And I’m not crazy enough to walk around with a gigantic ego like many of these people. This is nothing but self-mutilation.

Maybe I should stop listening to music altogether.

Exhibit A

Exhibit B

She’s like a more-accessible, better-singing, more understandable Joanna Newsome. She’s even a little better-looking. That’s money in the bank, right? Why fix it if it isn’t broken?

So what the fuck is this horseshit?

Ellie Goulding, “Under The Sheets” from Neon Gold Records on Vimeo.

This recording, and the video that accompanies it, is beyond execrable for a musician of her calibre. You take a beautiful, stylized voice, filter the shit out of it, throw in some auto-tune (because that’s what the kids like, right?), and then shoot this sucky, drivel and cliche-filled video. This is art-rape and I won’t stand for it.

And it’s not like she can’t sing this song well anyway. Look at this live performance: Under The Sheets. It’s a good song without all the crap! And meaningful!

Now Ellie Goulding has been working with electronic producers for years, according to her bio. As a house-head, breakbeat junkie, and electronic music fan going back to “before it was cool” I have no objection to making dance tunes. Her dreamy, high-toned voice fits dance music wonderfully. (Listen to this recording of “Guns and Horses” The production kind of takes over the words but it’s still entertaining, at least.) There’s nothing wrong with getting rich off your talent, but you won’t see me buying her album after watching this music video.

Should I expect less of 22-year-olds?

I do hope she makes a LOT of money because when you do shit like this, you lose a lot of credibility with your fanbase (it is honestly hard for me to take her seriously when I think of “Kei$ha” when I see her video). And when the pendulum swings and nobody wants to hear auto-tune and this kind of music anymore, she’s going to need all that money to keep herself fed.

:p

I also thought Vampire Weekend’s popularity would quickly expire. The whole “WASP” joke was too gimmicky to last. But they’re continuing to evolve, it seems, with a new album and some fresh singles, and one, Horchata, immediately made me think of Animal Collective. It is, of course, a much much simpler and more pop-friendly song than what AC produces, but this is really what I thought when the music drops at 17 seconds in.

HearYa has an MP3 up.

It’s an okay song, though the lyrics are mostly meaningless. Here’s an excerpt:

In December, drinkin horchata
I’d look psychotic in a balaclava
Winter’s cold is too much to handle
Pincher crabs that pinch at your sandals
Years go by and hearts start to harden
Those palms and firs that grew in your garden
Falling down and nearing the rose beds
The roots are shooting up through the tool shed
Those lips and teeth that asked how my day went
Are shouting up through cracks in the pavement

Here comes a feeling you thought you’d forgotten
Chairs to sit and sidewalks to walk on
Oh you had it but oh no you lost it
You understood so you shouldn’t have fought it

I suppose I’m to be impressed that Vampire Weekend knows what horchata is. “Wow! Vampire Weekend drinks horchata! I drink horchata! I must be awesome!”…etc.

God I’m a cynical bastard.

Listen.

As a newly-minted solo artist, I’d say 30% of my energy is expended creatively, 30% on the business/marketing side, and the rest is spent propping up my fragile ego; telling myself to keep working, to do what I have to do to be a successful artist and not get too down on myself. But now and then, a song comes along that, from the first note, knocks me flat on my ass. Such is the case with “Zorbing”. Forget the enchanting melody. Forget the thoughtful lyrics. Forget the tight backing vocals and the fact that this is a BAND, not just one lonely dude with a guitar.

Brian Briggs (the lead vocalist) starts the song out with a single syncopated note. Then his voice comes in as if from the stars themselves “CON-quers…!” It makes me think of how I open “Colorful Kid” except a berzillion times better. It hurts.

The only thing to do is learn the song and hope you absorb some of its energy.

*[CORRECTION: Stornoway the band is in Oxford. Stornoway the place is in Scotland. Thanks to astute reader Bee.]

“She Left Me for Jesus” by Hayes Carll.

Those of you who know my songs know how important humor is to my music (and those of you who’ve known me for years saw it even more in The Invisible Life of Poet and Art & Wit). I’ve written several songs that are intended to be funny, such as “Three for a Buck”, “Hey Vibration!”, and “Coke, Beer, and Heroin”.

It turns out Hayes Carll is a pretty prolific writer. He has a fabulous voice and many of his songs bear a closer resemblance to real country-western than the pop-country we usually hear.

Humor is an amazing entree. Carll’s style of music is not one I would normally pay much attention to, but because he wrote a song that made me laugh, I had to check the rest of his stuff.

What does it mean? It means keep writing funny songs. It’s manipulative as hell and it works.

The State of Massachusetts

Some bands yell for effect, but these guys actually yell sort of musically. Their vocal chords probably look like Picasso vocal chords.