Even worse than the awful sound of the “music” is the video. Don’t watch it. Just don’t. Okay, watch it, but ask your children and pets to leave the room, and watch it through your fingers like a horror movie.

Even worse than that is his other hit single, Time After Time. The video has been known to cause sterility. In every person who has ever loved you.

I am really, really sorry. I am sorry that I paid for this. And I am sorry it has taken me so long to ask your forgiveness. I wish I could return to 1991 and kill myself but I can’t because my time machine runs on baby orphans, and the voters of Massachusetts have deemed that “unethical”. Prudes. They don’t understand how bad this music is.

The tracklist:

1. Mangosteen 4
2. Last Man In Vegas
3. The Hipster Serengeti
4. Hook And Line
5. Eyes And Hands (Orphaned Original)
6. Hey Vibration!
7. The Salmon
8. Tight (Dangerously Demo)

Download Demo No Pajamas

This may be the last solo song for a while as my drummer and I have started working on a full-length Drugs & Gum collection, hopefully available in the fall.

Blistered Feet
Blow
Bottle Up
Coke, Beer, and Heroin
Colorful Kid
Dinosaurs
Eyes and Hands
Golden Boy
Greater Than Gravity
Hey Vibration!
Lost in Legs
Mangosteen
Manhattan
Our Bodies Knew
Spiders
The Salmon
Three For a Buck
Tight

Dear Mr. Gibbard,

My cover is better than yours. Perhaps you should consider a different line of work.

Sincerely,
Drugs and Gum

(YouTube Video)

PS. I recorded this right after running in the Boston Marathon, which is why I’m dressed down. I didn’t start of finish it, but I did run in it.

For years, young men were the ones who picked up a guitar, learned three or four chords, and played bad, whiny music, preferably at parties or on the campus lawn, and preferably to get attention from females. The accepted term for these gentlemen is “douchebags with guitars”. But the more I look around at the local music scene (at least here in Boston) the more it feels like these amateur amateurs are women, not men. And they don’t always play guitars. Sometimes they play the piano. But they always sound the same, and we’re all supposed to pretend we care and think they’re all talented and pretty and shit, when in fact, they suck.

Women cannot be douchebags, however. That’s a term just for certain types of insecure men. To my knowledge, there is no equivalent term for young women brandishing their instrument (badly) and crooning (barely tolerably) in hopes of capturing attention.

We can, of course, feminize “douchebag” into “douchebaguette”, but it’s a slightly cumbersome word, and too long, and simply would never catch on as a real insult. “Douchebaguettes with pianos” just won’t cut it.

So my proposal is to call these young ladies “snatchbags with guitars” or alternatively, “snatchbags with keyboards”.

I do realize that this goes against my feminist ethic to deliberately slander women specifically. But there is also a musical ethic in there somewhere. And so many of these snatchbags, just like their douchebag brothers, need to put the guitar DOWN and find something else to do.