Blow

She’s not pretty as magazine standards dictate
I’m still getting used to the shape of her face
But I like it that way
I wake up every day
And see someone who totally blows me awake

And her tits are mishapen
Her ass isn’t there
I don’t know the name for the shade of her hair
She’s got no style, she can’t dance, she’s a little too old
But the moment she kissed me I knew it was gold

She’s rude and sarcastic
She’ll spit in your face
She’s totally classless and I love it that way
If you ask where she went to college she’ll say,
“I didn’t have money to throw money away.”

And she’ll stand on your scrotum
She thinks it’s a game
I can already hear what my mother will say
“She’s perfectly lovely,
but you can do better…
What about Heather? I thought she was great.”

Take my advice run as fast as you can
Cause a woman like that needs a real man
I’m still not convinced that I am
But every morning she shows me I can

Our battles scare children who live near our home
There’s no object in our house that hasn’t been thrown.
If you say she’s not worth it I’ll kick in your face
She’s intensely frustrating but I like it that way.

So if you’ve got a problem, let’s take it outside
Put my boot in your windpipe until you comply
I’m not a violent man I just can’t understand
Why you cannot see what I see through these eyes

She’s perfectly normal, sweet and sincere
Except for the stories I’m telling you here
Now you’ll quietly whisper, as you amble away,
“God dammit my girlfriend is totally lame”

(Lyrics copyright Christopher Stetson Wilson 2010)